Taming The Loner
by phukdup
Summary: When boredom begins to soffocate Harry, Ron and Hermione, they set out to dicover why Snape sucks so much and soon to try and turn this hated loner into and awsome party animal. But will things go awry or will this be the best year ever? Read it.
1. Chapter 1

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A/N: In this Particular story just try to pretend Slughorn doesnt exist and that the DF post is un filled and on temporary hiatus, kind of like blink 182. And please, **R&R! **Thank you, please continue demonstrating your mad reading skills.

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**Taming The Loner**

**Chapter 1 **

"I'm bored," said Ron as he slowly chewed the same piece of bacon over and over.

"Me too," said Harry as he turned the happy face he had made with his bacon and eggs into a sad face.

"Me three," said Hermione throwing down the Daily Prophet with its usual shot of Harry splashed across the cover. "Its like, every year we've been here, something crazy and unexpected has happened, and there were events leading up to that point. This year, nothing is happening! I mean sure, Voldies back but that's old news, and Harry has his little meetings with Dumbledore, but those only happen every once in a while."

"Well there is Malfoy crying in the girls room," said Ron

"Well yeah," retorted Hermione, "but he is such a complete mamas boy that this was only to be expected sooner or later. I'm so bored, I almost want to go break some rules just for the rush of it! _Almost." _she added spotting the look of interest on Ron's face.

It was a morning like any other morning in the Great Hall. Students wandered in at their own pace, looking tired and eating slowly. The heads of house all rose from the staff table to hand out today's schedules.

Harry sighed. He had finally turned 16 as were Ron and Hermione. In the muggle world, this would mean getting your drivers license and putting friends, family and all the roads inhabitants' lives at risk in correspondence with you mediocre driving skills. Much to Harry's dismay however, in the wizarding world, 16 simply meant that you were almost of age. _Almost_. To make matters worse, Hermione was entirely accurate on her feelings towards their current year at Hogwarts. They were extremely bored, and the worst part was, it was still _**September**_.

Harry, Ron and Hermione took their class schedules from Macgonagall as she strolled along side the Gryfindor table. He looked down at it. First class was double potions with the Slytherins. He heard annoyed sighs come from every sixth year at the table. The worst part about today was that it was Wednesday. No weekend for two days, and nothing to look forward to during potions. Harry glanced up at the staff table.

"What do you thinks riding up his ass?"

Hermione and Ron, who were both wallowing in their self pity, looked up to see Harry was staring at Snape, who wore an expression or utmost loathing.

"Reckon he's probably just taken a look at his class schedule and seen that his first class is double potions with us miserable brats." said Ron. Harry looked deep in thought.

"No", said Hermione sitting up a little, "he been looking rather angry and bored since the start of year feast."

"Well, its god to know someone is on the same page, even if it is the king of grease…"

"I just don't get it!" said Harry suddenly.

"Don't get what?" said Hermione, "If its about astronomy again forget it, if your too stupid to see a star then there truly is no hope for Humanity!"

"Not that! Its just, how can someone be so unhopeful, angry and bored all the time? I mean, yeah we're in the same boat right now but we hardly have been fo very long, and Snape is like this every day without fail! All the other teachers seem fine, like they alt least have lives! But this guy, he just seems to be such a…"

"Loner?" answered Hermione Helpfully.

"Yeah! You would think with a temper like his he'd be out doing some thing on a Friday night, like partying or at least having a few beers! But no! He just stays at school with his detention students and ruins their weekends instead! There must be some reason, some reason he never goes anywhere…"

"Maybe he has no friends," said Ron.

"Maybe he is addicted to porno," said Hermione.

"Hermione!"

"What? I heard they never leave the house and he never leaves, its only fitting!"

'Or maybe," said Harry, "just maybe, we can use this as a reson to go snooping and stop being bored."

Harry Ron and Hermione stared at each other for a moment.

"Sounds good to me mate!"

"Yeah, normally I would be against such unmeaningful nosiness, but in light of recent events, or lack thereof, I'm all for it."

"Great then!" said Harry, as the three of them stood up from the table, "We'll start right away in potions by telling a few jokes and seeing if we cant get a rise out of him! Alright team, hands, on three, one, two, three, TRIO!!!!" they shouted in unison.

_So it has begun_, thought Harry as the three of them set off for potions.

_Operation: Taming the Loner_


	2. Chapter 2

The Trio made their way to the dungeons where their potions calss was to take place. Everyone was waiting outside for Snape to come and open the door to let them in.

"Ok you guys what kind of jokes are we going to tell?" asked Hermione as they came to a stop in front of the class room door.

"Well you know Hermione, the funny kind," answered Ron.

Hermione looked as though she were about to say something, but whatever it was was cut off as Snape made his way through his chattering students to the door and opened it. When everyone had taken their seats he began to run through attendance.

"Hey Harry," whispered Ron as he and Hermione leaded in to converse with Harry, "When exactly should we start telling these jokes, Ive got a good one!"

"When the lesson starts i suppose, he wont even listen to us long enough to get one out after class," replied Harry.

"I dont know you you guys," said Hermione warily, "I dont think he will find us telling jokes in the middle of class funny, i just think he'll be pissed off."

"Oh shut up Hermione, you dont know anything!" said Ron.

"Thats not what you were saying last night!"

"Eww! That sounds wrong Hermione!"

"I'm talking about your Transfigurations essay!"

"I know, but it still sounds wrong-"

"Shut up both of you!" exclaimed Harry, Snape had finished roll call and was now looking n their direction, "When I tell my first joke, wait till i finish and if it dosnt work, follow suit!"

Snape, like the rest of the class, had taken notice of the frantic whispering going on in the back between the three students.

"Mr. Potter," said Snape silkily, "Would you mind telling me what is so important that you feel the iminent need to converse with Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley durring my class?"

Its now or never, Harry thought as his nerves began to rise in anticipation. He had to act now, he may not get another chance to speak all period, and their next class wouldnt be until next week. He couldnt give up on their new found quest now, and go back to _**the boredom**_.

"Yes sir, actually I do mind," as Harry said this the entire class mumered with oooh snap! and Holly Crappolly! "You see sir, I have been asking my self some really heavy questions lately and, since you seem like a smart guy, I was hoping you might know the answers."

Snape looked unimpressed and bitter, but he raised an eye brow at Harry to shoot, and thats exactly what he did.

"If #2 pencils are the most popular, then why are they still number two?" He got a few chuckles from this but not so much as a change in expression from Snape.

"Yeah," piped Hermione right on cue, "and if Hellen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?"

"Isnt it scary that doctors call what they do practice?" said Ron.

"Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?"

"Is there another word for synonym?"

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"Would a wingless fly be called a walk?"

"If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?"

"If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"

"Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?"

"Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?"

"What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?"

"Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?"

"Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"

"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?'

"If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?"

"Can a blind person feel blue?"

At this point the entire class was up in stitches and Harry Ron and Hermione were beging to forget their main objection. Snape was unamused.

"Mr. Potter, Mr, Weasley and Miss Granger, I insist-"

"Hey Harry?" interupted Ron.

"Yeah Ron?'

"Knock knock."

"Whose there?"

"You know."

"You know who?"

"Avada Kedavra! Haha your dead!"

"Weasley you will refrain from-" Snape began.

"Hey Professor does you face hurt?" Hermione interupted.

"What? NO!"

"Well its killing me!"

"Professor," said Harry seeing the agry expression on Snapes Face, "the last thing we want to do is insult you, but it is on the list!"

"Dont worry proferror their only kidding!" said Ron. "Harry and Hermione both agree, youre a SEXY BITCH!"

At this Harry and Hermione's eyes went wide with shock, and the entire class completely lost control. Including Snape.

"ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS REDICULOUSNESS, YOU THREE WILL MEET ME IN MY OFFICE AFTER CLASS TO DISCUSS YOUR MANY ATTAINED DETENTIONS!!!!!!!"

The class went silent.

After class, Harry Ron and Hermione watched as their fellow students left them still grinning from the previous events. Snape finished stowing their vials of potions and looked up to see them standing infront of his desk. He stared for a moment and then tuned on his heel calling over his shoulder.

"You three, im my office now!"

They entered his office and too a seat in three chair in front of his desk. He sat down behind it and tookanother furious look at the trio. Harry would have been nervous if he hadnt at that moment noticed that somethinf was off in this office, different from the officices of other teacher.

"I dont want to know what you were thinking or why you felt the need to tun my classroom into a circus this morning, i just want you to know that you now have detention with me every friday evening and satuday for the next three months." said Snape, his eyes darting furiously between the three of them. He noticed that Harry wasnt paying attention to him but looking around his office as if something were amiss.

"Mr. Potter is there a problem?"

"No sir," said Harry slightly taken aback, "None at all."

"Very well, Three of you will report here to my office after supper on friday evening. Is that understood?"

"Yes sir," they said in unison.

"Dismissed."

They stood and left Snapes office.

"Well," said Hermione, as they walked up to the great hall for lunch, "that didnt go as planned. In fact, we actually helped give him a reason to stay over the weekend, for three solid months!"

"Well at least we arent bored anymore," said Ron.

Suddenly it dawned on Harry what was off in Snapes office. It was so simple, how could he have missed it?

"Did you guys nitice anything different or odd in Snapes office that is unlike any of the other teachers offices?" said Harry at once.

"I was a little distracted by the steam coming out of Snapes ears" said Ron, "but what was odd?"

"Well, either im mistaken, or Snape doesnt have a teachers best friend... an alcohol cabinent."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Ok so last chapter had a lot of one liners, this chapter not so much but I will warn you that if you have any major issues with partying hard, stop reading this story now! For those of you still with me, you can read this. You can review this. But I dare you to **Read **_and_** Review **this! 50 galleons says you cant.

**Taming The Loner**

**Chapter 3**

Over the last day the trio had indeed pondered Harry's theory on the alcohol cabinet. Hermione had gone to the library to look up alcohol ism and symptoms usually found in people allergic to alcoholic beverages, but Snape fit none of these categories.

Harry Ron and Hermione were making their way along the backside of the lake were students unusually went while immersed in conversation about their current research. It was then that Hermione notice all four Heads of House were together at a nearby table. Mcgonagall and Sprout were sitting on the bench in front of the table, while Snape was sitting on top of the table leaning over with his elbows on his knees and Flitwick stood atop the table in attempt to stay at eye level. They kind of looked like teenagers, only old and ugly.

"I wonder what they're talking about." said Hermione, and Harry and Ron looked up to see who she was referring to.

"Probably how much they hate each others houses," said Ron, "I hope Mcgonagall wins."

"Well you guys I don't think we're going to get anywhere with this researching we're doing. It just seems like a more personal topic that no book can entirely convey," said Harry.

"Wouldn't it be something if we just went over to them and asked about their drinking habits?"

"Oh my gosh Ron!" Hermione looked ecstatic, "Your genius is showing!"

"WHAT? WHERE!?!"

"I mean your idea is good!"

"What, are you crazy? Just go over there and ask them how often they fancy a drink? They'll either think we've gone completely mad, or they'll be so pissed that they'll give us more detentions, and really Hermione, we're good for three months on that already."

"No Ron," said Harry, "I think Hermione has got something, we just need a good reason to be asking them. The worst they can really do is tell us to mind our own business."

"I've got it!" said Hermione. "We tell them that we're taking a survey on drinking habits for my Arithmancy class. Right now we're about to start statistics and in a week Sinstra's going to be assigning a project like this anyway. I'll be killing two birds with one stone!"

"Why Hermione? Why do you want to kill the little birds?"

"Shut up Ron." said Harry, taking out a piece of parchment. "Hermione, I think this is a great idea, we can ask question and write them down, they'll never suspect a thing, c'mon!"

As the trio approached, the four faculty ended their conversation and looked up. It was a warm day and Hermione noticed none of them were wearing their top robes. Flitwick was wearing a sweater vest with what looked like poodles all over it and some khaki pants that made him look totally dorky. Mcgonagall and Sprout were both wearing less heavy robes and Sprout had an apron on with some dirt on it. Snape was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt over a long-sleeved white button up collared shirt and some black pants (surprise surprise). Hermione was shocked to see that he had rolled up his sleeves to his elbows and had his dark mark showing, but guessed since the cat was already out the bag it wasn't really that shocking. Then she wondered why she was noticing all this and guessed it was because she had never seen her professors so informally dress. She looked back at Flitwick. Damn she wanted that sweater vest!

"Hello Hermione!" said Flitwick excitedly and the trio approached. "Harry!….Ron."

Ron scoffed and Harry elbowed him in the ribs.

"Hello you three," said Mcgonagall, "I see you've found our secret spot."

"_This_ is your secret spot?" said Ron in a slightly rude tone.

"Yes, said Sprout, "No one ever really comes here except for us, and I guess you."

"Well its not really _that_ secret is it? I mean you can see it from the castle."

"Shut up Weasley, nobody likes you." Snape said sharply.

"What? I'm just saying that your being here really isn't secret at all. Everyone knows you guys hang around over here so you haven't really found a secret spot or whatever."

"You know Weasley, you're a real downer."

"Yeah, and this is coming from the queen of depression," said Mcgonagall.

"Don't you mean _king_?" asked Snape.

"I stand by what I say Severus."

"I'm not gay Minerva."

"Whatever you say Severus."

"Sprout, Flitwick, you guys know I'm not gay right? _RIGHT?"_

"If you were to, you know, come out," started Flitwick.

"We would still respect you," finished Sprout. "We wouldn't treat you any different, I mean I cant say the same for the students…"

"Well, Hermione, Harry, Ron," said Mcgonagall, "would it matter to you if your professor was gay?"

"Of course not!" said Hermione looking directly at Snape who looked humiliated and was actually blushing. "We would accept you for who you are!"

"Yeah why should it matter to us which gender you fancy?" agreed Harry.

"What about you Ron?" said Mcgonagall when he didn't say anything.

"Well I cant say I'd be thrilled," said Ron, "I mean I have an evening detention with him tomorrow and I'll probably be bending over scrubbing cauldrons and I don't want him checking out my ass from behind!"

"Ronald Weasley you are an absolute jerk," said Sprout

"Well that's all just _dandy_ but I'm still not gay!" said Snape angrily

"Have you ever really given any thought to the fact that you _might_ be gay?" asked Flitwick.

"No I have not, but why would I-"

"Well then how do you know that you are not gay and in denial?"

Snape was silent for a moment and then said, "This conversation is OVER! Besides, I do not believe these three have come all the way over here to discuss my sexual orientation. So why may I ask, have you decided to grace us with your presence?"

"Oh right!," said Harry, "um, Hermione?

"Well for arithmancy I decided to get a head start on my statistics project and was wondering if you would answer a few survey questions, about your drinking habits," said Hermione.

"Oh wow! Where to begin?" said Sprout as three of the four professors began to laugh, Snape however remained silent.

"The first question is, when you are at a party, do find that drinking enhances the party or ruins it?"

Hermione was making up the questions on spot, but she asked them so precisely it was impossible to tell.

"In my opinion, the party doesn't start until the I have a buzz!" said Mcgonagall.

"Same here!" said Flitwick and Sprout in unison. Snape said nothing.

"Remember last year at the Christmas party, when Trelawney got so wasted she fell out the window and passed out, and we put her in the shrieking shack?!" said Mcgonagall laughing hysterically.

"Oh yeah! Said Sprout, "and Severus gave her that potion that made her see monsters everywhere she looked! That was freaking hilarious!"

"Good times," said Flitwick, "Good times."

Snape was silent.

"Second question," said Hermione, "is what time of day do you prefer to drink?"

"Well I prefer to go at it after the school day is out to, you know, _unwind." _said Flitwick winking at the _unwind_ part to give a general idea that that was not his general idea.

"Well I like to start at lunch," said Mcgonagall, "so that I'm a little more patient with my first and second years."

"I'm a weekend drinker only," said Sprout, "That's when we usually go out on the town."

"Yeah and when we go out we really go out!" said Mcgonagall again striking up a fit of laughter.

Snape, still, was silent.

"And the Final Question is how often do you drink?" asked Hermione.

"Well Severus," said Flitwick, "Why don't you answer that one."

For some reason the three teachers broke out into fits of laughter and Snape looked extremely offended. Then he shot them all an angry glance, jumped down from the table, brushed by Hermione and stormed away.

"Severus, come back he was only kidding!" Mcgonagall called after him as the laughter died down.

"He's not coming back Minerva," said Sprout. "Why did you have go and do that Filius?"

"I'm sorry," replied Flitwick, "I thought he'd gotten over it by now! I hope I didn't hurt his feelings, he'll be a real jerk to me for like a week if I did and I don't feel like waking up on the tip top of the astronomy tower again!"

"Snape has feelings?" asked Ron.

"Shut up! I really don't like you Ron," said Flitwick.

""Does Professor Snape not drink?" asked Harry.

"Something like that."

"He's probably gone off to cry in the shower and read his Play Girl Magazine," siad Mcgonagall.

"Snape takes showers?" asked Ron

"What part of Shut Up don't you understand?"

"Is he really gay?" asked Hermione.

"_I_ think so but he completely denies it."

"Does he really read playgirl?" asked Harry.

"I saw one in his desk drawer but I'm still not sure if it was his or if he took it from a student," said Sprout.

"Why doesn't he drink?"

"Whoa Harry, don't you think that question's kind of personal?" said Mcgonagall.

"Yeah really," said Flitwick, "Give the man some privacy! Geese!"

Hwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhw

A/N: Don't ask me why I decided to have everyone hate Ron because I have no idea.


	4. Chapter 4

**Taming The Loner**

**Chapter 4**

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat at the Gryffindor table waiting for dinner to start. It was Friday evening and after dinner they would have to make their way down to Snapes dungeons for their first of many detentions that wouldn't let up until this time tomorrow. In the time that had elapsed since their interesting conversation with the four heads of house at their "secret" spot, the rumor that Snape was gay had circled the school twice over. It was not entirely certain how this rumor was started, but Harry and Hermione speculated that Ron had something to do with it. Hermione tried to convince her fellow students that is was just a rumor but, when Snape stepped out earlier that day in class and Ron, Dean and Seamus took it upon themselves to look in Snapes desk drawer and found not one but two Playgirl Magazines, even Hermione was skeptical that it was simply a rumor.

Ron and Hermione looked rather miserable in correlation with the night they had to look forward to, but Harry was not for unknowingly to Ron and Hermione, he had come up with a plan for tonight's detention. He was about to tell them of this plan when Dumbledore stood up and gestured for silence.

"Well students," said Dumbledore, "It's Friday and I have a few announcements that I need to make in correspondence with the week and the oncoming weekend. First of all I caution you to beware this weekend of the vicious thread of genital herpes that is making its way throughout the school. Those of you who have had sexual relations with Lavender Brown are urged to report to the hospital wing immediately or face having you balls cut off unless of course you are a lesbian in which case we will scoop out your ovaries."

At this announcement everyone looked thoroughly disgusted and everyone sitting near Lavender scootched away quickly.

"Second Professor McGonagall has requested that I ask you to answer, by raise of hands, how many of you know where the four Heads of House's secret spot is?"

"God Damn it!" said Professor McGonagall as more than half the student body raised their hands.

"I told you it wasn't secret!" yelled Ron.

"I'll kill you Weasley!" screamed Flitwick, "I'll kill you in your sleep tonight!"

"Alrighty then," said Dumbledore, "And my third and final announcement is that no matter how it may seem, Professor Snape wishes me to tell all of you that he is in fact not gay."

"Bull crap!"

"Minerva! I can understand how you feel, but we need to allow Severus to come out on his own when he is ready."

"I'M NOT GAY!!!" screamed Snape in response to Dumbledore.

"Of course not my boy, but when you come out you will be."

"How can I come _out_ when I wasn't even _in_ to begin with?!?!"

"Oh come on professor!" yelled a student, "We've all seen the Playgirls in you desk drawer!"

"WHY HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING IN MY DESK DRAWER?!?!"

"Now Severus there's no need to yell," said Dumbledore.

"IVE HAD EBOUGH OF THIS! I AM SO TOTALLY OUT OF HERE!"

And with that Snape began to stalk out of the Great Hall with his hair and robes flowing behind him making him look, dare we say it, incredibly gay. Just as he passed Harry Ron and Hermione, he stopped. Tuned, and walked back tward them, pointing his finger at Harry and Ron.

"I know one of you two who told everyone! Hermione would never, and you two were the only other students there last night!"

"Eww Professor that sounds wrong!" said Ron.

"I'm talking about the conversation with the other three Heads of House and your two friends Weasley!"

"I know but it still sounds wrong, especially with your kind of status!"

"You three have detention tonight, don't be late!"

"Why professor? Eager to spend the night with Harry and me? I don't quite get why you had Hermione come along but is having people watch is your fancy-"

"You suck Weasley!" said Snape and he turned around and began walking briskly out of the great hall all eys following him in the process.

"You wish I did!" Ron called after him.

"Well," said Dumbledore "let's eat then."

"You're such a jerk Ron!" said Hermione

"Yeah he is, but that was still pretty damn funny," said Seamus.

_One hour later! _

"Snape's going to be in a right foul mood." said Ron as he Harry and Hermione made their way down to Snape's dungeons.

"Gee I wonder why!" said Hermione, "We're going to be scrubbing cauldrons until dawn!"

"Maybe us but not you!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well you're just about his girlfriend now aren't you?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Well he used your first name didn't he?"

"What? When?"

"When he was accusing Harry and me of telling everyone he's gay!"

"Really? I didn't even notice. Well I doubt it matters we'll still be in there forever I'm sure."

"That may be," said Harry as he began opening his bag, "but I've got a plan and if we use my recourses right, I think we can at least get Snape drunk." Then he pulled out of his bag two bottles of…

"Captain Morgan!!!!!!" squealed Hermione at the sight of Harry's "Recourses."

"Captain what?" asked Ron

"Captain Morgan. It's a muggle drink. I always hated firewisky, but rum I like

"Well how are we going to get the greasy gay git to drink it?"

"I'm still working on it but I think I've got an idea, just, if I pull out the rum, follow my lead."

They had reached the door to Snapes dungeons and Hermione knocked three times.

"Enter," they heard Snape say sternly from behind the door.

The three of them entered and found Snape greatly imersed in grading papers. He continued for a moment, looked up, and said, "Miss Granger, you will be organizing the schools disciplinary files seeing as Filch seems impossible to do so. Potter you first go and reorganize the ingredient shelves and restock those that need restocking. If you finish before Miss Granger you will go over and help her until you are done. Weasley you get to go and scrub all the cauldrons without magic. When you are done you will go and help Miss Granger as well unless she has already finished the deed. After this you three may go."

Harry Ron and Hermione looked at one another questioningly. It was unusual for Snape to give so little work, especially on a Friday night, with the exception of Ron of course. Hermione was most surprised as he had given her a task she could complete in nearly an hour.

Only one hour into detention and Harry and Hermione were almost finished, Ron was over halfway done as well and Harry decided he had better act now.

"Professor, do you mind if we have a little drink? Hermione and I are really thirsty and I'm sure Ron is too."

Snape looked up for a second and said, "Fine just don't spill anywhere."

Harry opened the Captain Morgan and He and Hermione each took a sip. Then Harry got up and passed it to Ron making sure it was right in front of Snapes face in a way so that he could not possibly miss it .Snape looked at them questioningly.

"What the hell are you drinking?" he asked crossly.

"Captain Morgan sir," replied Harry, "You know, everyone got to have a little captain in them. So what do you think Ron?"

"Wow Harry!" said Ron, "This stuff is amazing! It goes down so smooth, you don't even have to add it to anything!"

"Yeah I know. Hey Professor, want some?"

"No."

This was ok; Harry hadn't planned on him saying yes the first time.

"Hey Harry, pass some over here will you?" said Hermione. "This stuff is great you know, after a long day listening to a bunch of Idiots talk all day. It really helps to just unwind, you know what I mean Professor?"

Snapes jaw gave a nervous twitch which gave them a clue that this was working.

"You know its really relaxing to just sit back and have a few glasses," said Harry taking another gulp. He was getting a little buzzed. "Especially after a Day of Lessons with Neville, am I right Professor? Sure you don't want a glass, its pretty damn good."

"N-No," said Snape weakly trying harder to concentrate on his grading.

"It takes you to another world," said Ron, "Like mushrooms only cheaper, and legal. It allows you to let loose and party. Do you like to let loose and party, Professor Snape?"

"I- no."

"I just feel so awesome right now," said Hermione, "Don't you Harry?"

"Yeah."

"What about you Ron?"

"Hell Yeah!"

"What about you Professor Snape, do you feel awesome right now?"

"No."

"Do you want to feel awesome?"

"No. Yes."

"Well you know what you have to do to feel awesome like us, don't you?"

"Yes."

"So then Professor, would you like a drink?" Hermione held out a class of rum to Snape.

Slowly, Snape looked up and took the glass from her hand.

"Yes," He said and he drank the whole think in one gulp.


	5. Chapter 5

**Taming the Loner **

**Chapter 5**

Two hours into detention in the dungeons and the atmosphere had changed drastically. Everyone was now sitting in a circle on the floor reminiscing on previous years. They were all incredibly drunk and Harry had taken off his shirt and wrapped it around his head.

"Hey look you guys, I'm Barrack Obama!" said Harry loudly.

"What?" said Snape taking another swig of Captain Morgan.

"You know that guy everyone hates."

"I think you mean Osama Bin laden."

"What? No! I mean Barrack Obama!"

"Barrack Obama is running for president in the States in 08!"

"WHAT?! WHY WOULD THE STATES WANT _HIM_ FOR PRESIDENT? THEY HATE HIM MORE THAN WE DO!"

"You are totally thinking of Osama Bin laden dude!"

"Well then who the hell is Barrack Obama?"

"He's a black guy running for president; I think he was a senator."

"Oh. Hey, why do you know all this Snape?"

"Well Harry, it all started when-"

"Can it Snape, we are here to party not listen to your boring gay stories!" said Ron.

"Actually you're here for detention but whatever."

"Oh my glaawwd you guys, we should toally tell some glohst strawries," said Hermione slurring her words.

"Oh my gawd Hermione, you're totally a genius! I soo wanna go first you guys, ok? Ok you guys? Yeah? I can go first?" said Snape

"Just go already!" said Ron

"I'LL GO WHEN I'M GOD DAMN READY TO GO WEASLEY!!!!"

"Well then go!"

"Fine! Ok here it is. _When the bread popped out of the toaster, nobody knew what to put on it_. _Jelly_? _Marmalade_? I suggested _butter_! There were crumbs _everywhere_-"

"Where is this going?" asked Ron.

"Yeah really, I mean this isn't scary!" said Harry.

"Is it supposed to be?" asked Snape.

"Well, it is a _ghost_ strawrie!" said Hermione.

"_Ghost_ story? I thought you said _Toast_ story!"

"What the hell is a toast story?" said Ron

"Well, you know, a story about toast."

"Why would _anyone_ want to hear a _toast _story?"

"Well-"

"Oh my god! Professor you have to let me give you a make over!!" screamed Hermione as she pulled out her make up bag.

"Why don't you ever give me or Harry makeovers?" said Ron.

"Because it wouldn't do any good! But Professor Snape has so much potential!"

"Awe, thanks Hermione go ahead, and please, just call me Sev!"

And so Hermione went to work on Snape, and if people didn't think he was gay before, they definitely would now! She puy eye liner on him and then applied some Hot Pink eye shadow. She totally brushed his hair and made it all full bodied and did some spell that made it a dark midnight purple instead of black.

"Oh my god! You look just like a punk gothic person! And your tight black pants and that crazy ass black robe/cape thing you wear make you look totally Bad ass! Take it off for a sec so I can make sure your shirt is stylin!"

Snape took it off and underneath he was wearing a normal white dress shirt with a black neck tie and over it he was wearing- oh my god! A purple sweater vest with poodles all over it just like the one Flitwick was wearing yesterday!

"OH MY GOD SEV I FUCKING LOVE IT!"

"Thanks Herm, I got it at Macy's with Flitwick! I'll get one for you if you want!"

"That would be totally super!"

"OK!"

And then they started hugging each other and giggling while they jumped up and down.

"If he isn't gay then I am in love with Malfoy!" said Ron.

"Shut up Ron, you're just jealous that Hermione is hugging him and not you," replied Harry.

"Yeah well thats more of a BFF kind of hug and in case you haven't noticed I'm pining for something more than that."

Hermione and Snape sat back down on the floor. Hermione pulled out her mascara and started putting it on Snape when someone came storming into the class room.

"Professor Snape, Professor McGonagall says that it is past twelve o'clock and you have to release her stu- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??"

It was Ginny. She looked around at everyone. Harry still had his shirt on his head, Ron was holding a large nearly empty bottle of rum, and Hermione was putting mascara on Snape who was wearing extravagant make up and had deep purple hair.

"Oh hey Gin Gin! Doesn't Sev look fabulous? You wanna be next?" said Hermione.

"Yes, he does look fabulous and no I do not want to be next! And since when do you call him Sev?"

"Since they became BFFs," said Ron draining the last of the Capitan Morgan.

"BFFs, what are you- is that rum? Are you drinking rum? Are you guys _drunk_? Oh my god, you _are_ drunk aren't you? I don't belive this!"

"Jesus Ginny, since when do you have such strong morals?" said Harry

"Its not that I can't believe you guys would get drunk, I just cant believe you guys would get drunk and not have the decency to invite me down!"

"Well Ginny it's far more complicated than it appears," said Snape

"What do you mean?"

"Well-"

"You guys?YOU GUYS I THINK WE'RE HAVING A BIT OR A CRISIS HERE!!!" shouted Ron.

"What do you mean?" said everyone in unison.

"I MEAN WE'RE ALL OUT OF BOOZE!!"

"OH NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" screamed everyone.

"What are we going to do? Its so boring not to be drunk!" said Hermione in panic.

"Oh god no, NOT THE BOREDOM!!!" yelled Harry

"I can't go back to being sober! Not after I remember the fun and joys of drinking!" said Snape frantically.

"I'm not even drunk, but I want to be!" said Ginny.

"We have to get more, or else our whole night will be ruined! RUINED I SAY!!!" said Ron

"Clam down Ron!" said Hermione

"Yeah really Ron there is no need to yell," said Ginny.

"Well I hate to say it you guys, but every liquor cabinet in the school is locked and cursed!" said Snape.

'Well then what are we going to do?" asked Harry.

"The only thing we _can_ do, leave the school and find more booze!"

"But we can't leave! We'll be expelled for sure!" said Hermione

"No you wont, you will have a teacher with you."

"Well where will we go, Hogsmead?" asked Ron

"Oh no! we cant go there they will rat us out for sho! No we must go where no one will suspect a thing, to a muggle city."

"Did you just say for sho?" aksed Ginny.

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Wow Professor, you are so much cooler when you're drunk!"

"I know I am. Now let's be up out bitches! The night is young and I am ready to party!"

And with that the four students and the Potions Master left the classroom and the school. In her office, Professor McGonagall peered out her window and saw five dark figures making their way across the school grounds. For a split second she wondered if perhaps those dark figures were the potions master and the four students left with him. But then she thought, nah, why would he be leading them out of the school? He hated them and he probably wanted to spend the night reading Playgirl. Besides, Professor McGonagall wasn't even sure she had really seen those dark figures. She was so high right now, she had no idea what was going on!

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A/N: Ok I know this chapter was a little dry, but next chapter will be extremely crazy and _juicy_! You guys like _juicy_ don't you?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: If you have issues with the F word don't read this, if not, totally fucking read this!

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**Taming the Loner**

**Chapter 6**

The four students and the Potions Master made their way to the school gate. The night was pitch black and you couldn't see within two inches of your nose, for Snape one inch. Because of this they found that they had great difficulty actually getting to the gate. Then there was a loud thump followed by…

"OUCH! FUCK A DUCK!"

"Snape was that you?" asked Ginny

"Yeah its me," answered Snape.

"What happened?"

"I ran into a fucking tree!"

"Well maybe if we had some light you wouldn't have run into a fucking tree" said Ron.

"God damn it Weasley I already told you someone from the castle will totally see us if we use light!"

"Well its taking forever to find the gate. Do you even know which way we are going?"

"Yes Weasley, I know which way we are going."

"And another thing, why do you still call me Weasley when you call those three by their first names?"

"What, do you want me to call you Ron"

"Well yeah, I mean-"

"Because you know if I call you Ron people will think you're hanging out with me."

"Well that's sort of what's happening right now isn't t?"

"Yes indeed Ronald but wont that make you gay to hang out with me?"

"Just cause you like it round the back doesn't mean I do!"

"I'm not gay."

"Of course not, you just wear fabulous makeup because its fun, oh and one more thing…"

"What?"

"Don't call me Ronald, or bad things will happen."

"Oh no! I'm shaking in my little black G-string!"

Awkward silence.

"I..I'm kidding. Come one you guys. G-string? Pff, yeah right! Right?"

Just then they reached the gate. It was locked and when Hermione tried to use Alohemora it didn't work.

"OH NO! We are fucked!" said Hermione.

"No we aren't, you didn't actually think the school would allow the lock to be opened with such a common spell did you? No I have the key right here," said Snape as he pulled out a large ring of keys.

"Um Snape?"

"What up Harry?"

'How are we going to get to a muggle city? There isn't one for miles and I don't even know if they have much of a selection."

"Well we're going to London Harry, you see there are lots of drunks there in compliance with the large amount of alcohol."

"Ok, there is no way I am walking to fucking London!"

"I have a car dip shit."

When Snape opened the gate he lead them out onto a dark winding little road. The walked down this road for a short while and eventually came upon a large square shaped building. Snape lead them into the building which had a significant number of cars in it.

"Do all these cars belong to professors?" asked Ginny.

"Yeah," said Snape, pointing to a large Hummer, "That one is Flitwicks."

"You think he's compensating for something?" said Ron.

"You shut up about my friend Ron! And that one over there is Dumbledore's," he said pointing to a Corvette.

"You think maybe he's going through his mid-life crisis?" said Hermione.

"No, I think he's going through his end-of-life crisis." said Ron.

"You shut up about my father Ron!" said Snape.

"WHAT?"

"Never mind!"

"Which one is yours?" asked Ginny.

"This one," said Snape stopping next to an old beat up Toyota Corolla. Everyone went silent and had a look of disgust and awe written across their faces.

"I'm kidding! This is Trelawney's car, that's my car," he said pointing to a black hearse.

"Wait are you still kidding or are you for real because if your for real that's actually kind of cool in a really creepy way." said Ginny.

"No I'm for real this time, yeah I drive a fucking hearse bitch."

"Were there dead people in there?" asked Harry.

"Of course there were dead people in there, but don't worry there aren't any now. I don't think. Well get in guys I'm starting to sober up."

"I think my mom once told me something about never driving while drunk," said Hermione.

"Hermione your moms an idiot, besides I am totally capable of driving despite my mental state."

Snape unlocked his hearse and opened the back of the casket bed. Harry Ron and Ginny climbed in and Hermione sat up front. He pulled out of the building onto the street and sped away into the night. He was driving extremely fast and collided with a car up ahead. Both cars exploded and everybody died. Just kidding. He really was driving extremely fast however he slammed on the brakes throwing everyone in the back up against the front seats and Hermione onto the dashboard.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!" screamed Ron.

"THERE WAS A KITTY!!! IF I HIT IT I COULD NEVER LIVE WITH MYSELF!!!" screamed Snape

A large fat cat ran across the front of the car and Snape sped up again. He was going so damn fast the would be in London in a matter of minutes. Ron looked around the back of the car. Harry and Ginny were looking at each other oddly. Snape and Hermione were having a conversation about how awesome Johnny Depp is. Then he notices the carpet by his foot was loose. He picked at it and realized that the carpet was completely separated from the floor and when he pulled back the carpet her saw that the floor had been cut open and a board was covering the opening. Ron pulled open the board and saw, looking right up at him, yet another Playgirl Magazine.

"HAHA! Oh my god! You cant tell me you aren't gay now!"

"What are you talking about?" said Snape.

"Yeah Ron cant you see we are talking about something very important?" said Hermione.

"Look," he said holding up the Playgirl, "He had this hiding in the floor, and you cant tell me he took it from a student cause he would not hide it in his fucking car!"

"Snape is this true?" asked Ginny seriously.

"Well I-"

"Sev, don't worry we are totally fine with it if you are gay!" said Hermione.

"Well there is Ron but who gives a fuck about him, just tell us the truth!" said Harry.

"IM CONFUSED OK! NOT GAY, JUST CONFUSED!" shouted Snape.

All the while the car continued to speed down the highway and the city lights were visible in the distance. Ron realized what Snape was probably doing with the Magazine and quickly lifted the board to put it back.

Finally after ten minutes they reached the city. The very moment they saw a liquor store they were in an uproar. Finally after a whole half and hour, they had reached their goal.

"LIQUOR STORE LIQUOR STORE LIQUOR STORE!!!" shouted everyone and Snape swerved dangerously into the parking lot, cutting off an old woman who flipped him off and began shouting obscenities. Snape came to a stop and parked the car across two spaces. He and Hermione quickly got out of the car and ran around the side, opened the back and everyone ran into the store. Behind the counter stood a particularly stupid looking blond girl.

"Ok guys, split up and get your shit. We meet back at this spot in two." said Snape, and everyone took off in opposite directions. Two minutes later Harry came back with two bottle of Captain Morgan, Ginny came back with whole lot of beer, and Ron and Hermione came back with four bottles of Jack Daniels. Snape came back with two bottles of wine.

"_Wine_?" said Ginny.

"Yeah." said Snape.

"Wow, you really _are _gay aren't you?" said Ron.

"Shut up Ron, he's confused not gay, so don't instigate his confusion!" said Hermione.

"Oh come on Hermione, do straight men choose wine over hard liquor?"

"Some do!"

"You don't even know Ron, wine will fuck you up!" said Snape.

"_Right_."

"Come on you guys lets just get this to the counter so we can let the good times roll!" said Harry.

"Harry?"

"Yeah Ginny?"

"That was really retarded."

"Yeah, I know."

The five of them carried their new found beverages to the counter. The stupid blonde girl looked incredibly confused by the large amount of alcohol they were purchasing.

"Um, is this all together?" she asked.

"Yeah it is." answered Snape.

"Umm, ok," she said, and began scanning the bottles of fun.

"Ummm, that's gunna be like, uh, fifty seven bucks and seventy four cents," she said

"Ok here," said Snape pulling out a Visa platinum.

The girl took it and looked at it confusedly. "Ummmm, what am i supposed to do with this?" she asked.

"You swipe it, in that thing over there." said Snape pointing to the card swiper.

"Ummmmm, like how?"

"What do you mean _like how_?"

"Like how do I swipe it or whatever?"

"You just- oh never mind I'll do it," said Snape as he climbed over the counter. When he was behind the counter with the idiot girl, he taught her how to swipe a credit card as he swiped his own. Then he climbed cack over the counter and began gathering his wine.

"Ummmmmm, do you like want a bag for you stuff?

"No thanks we're good." said Snape handing the others their things.

"Ummmmmmm, paper or plastic?"

"Nither because I don't want a bag."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I am sure."

"Positive? They are pretty cool bags."

"Yes I am positive."

"You're absoloutley sure now?"

"Yes I am absolutely sure!"

"You're totally-"

"I DON'T WANT A GOD DAMN BAG!!!!"

"Like whoa! There is so no need to yell!"

"Grab your shit and lets go!" said Snape to the other four and they grabbed their drinks and quickly left the store.

"Well it figures that she was a complete bimbo, she was blonde!" Siad Ginny as they stopped along side the wall on the outside of the store.

"No, she wasn't. Her roots were brown, she dies her hair. I guess she is just stupid," said Snape, uncorking his fucking wine with a wave of his wand.

"He can tell when girls are dying their hair! How is he not gay?" said Ron.

"Confused Ron!" said Hermione, " he is con fucking fused!"

Everybody drained their first bottle of party juice, when some random passerby notice their excessive drinking.

"Hey you guys look like you ready to partaay!" said the random dude.

"Hells yeah!" said Ginny as she was finally eased out of her sober state.

"Dudes, you gotta come down to this fuckin party with me! Everybody is gonna be there!" he said and it was obvious that this guy was also wasted.

"Everybody who?" said Harry opening his second bottle.

"Like every fucking body man, dude, I don't know you guys but you look like my kind of people. The drunk kind HAHA! So you guys want in or what? This thing is more like a fucking rave and everyone wants in, and I can get you in cause its at my fucking house!"

The five of them looked from the random guy to each other and back to the guy again. Snape said what they were all thinking.

"We are so there!"

"Awesome dudes, just follow my car," said the guy pointing to a red pick-up truck, "I promis you guys it'll the time of your fucking lives man!"

And with that they got into their cars and began to drive to this party/rave.


	7. Chapter 7

**Taming the Loner**

**Chapter 7**

And so they drove. They followed the random dude to his crib, and were lucky to get there alive too as Snape was so incredibly intoxicated that he was more dangerous on the road than a 90 year old Asian woman diving a Hummer. After about half a mile of swerving through side streets and the fifth time of Snape slamming the brakes for a cat they finally reached their destination, and what a grand destination it was!

The streets surrounding this random dude's house were littered with drunken teenagers and $2 crack whores. There was a line forming from the door around the block and as they came to a stop people began to cheer as this random dude stepped out of his car and beckoned Snape and the others out of the hearse. He approached them as Harry Ron and Ginny scurried out of the bed of the hearse and Hermione tottered out of the front seat.

"Hey guys, what did I tell you?" he said "Every fucking body!"

"Who are all these people?" asked Ron.

"Everybody dip shit!" said Snape, "didn't you listen too what….uh…what's your name?"

"Mike!" said some crack whore running toward the random dude now to be named as mike.

"Never mind," said Snape.

"What?" said Mike.

"I didn't know this was a costume party!" said the whore.

"It isn't."

"Then why are these people you brought dressed so weird? And she's wearing all that pretty make up!" she said pointing to Snape.

"Oh, gee thanks but I'm a man," replied Snape.

"What? There's no way!"

"No really I am."

"Ha! Yeah right!"

"I have a penis."

"Well, those pants are pretty tight, and I don't see a whole lot going on down there."

"First off, these pants are black so who can really tell, and second, its cold out tonight so take that into consideration!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god! Snape has a small dick!" said Ron.

"No he doesn't, believe me!" said Ginny.

"Believe you? How do you know?"

"….."

"Ginny?"

"….."

"Oh my god Ginny how do you know?"

"…..Ron, girls have….none of your business."

"Hermione, you don't know anything about this do you?"

"I.….No Ron, I have no idea what she is talking about," answered Hermione.

"C'mon you guys lets go in my crib and get this partay started!" said Mike.

Mike lead them to the front of the line queued outside his house and opened the door. Everybody spilled into the building and the music began to bang. People set the alcohol they had brought on a table by the booming stereo.

"This isn't gonna last us the night, there are so many people here!" said Mike

"Well, here," said Snape, "I think I can help." And with a wave of his wand a wide variety of intoxicating, mood altering, bottles of mindless joy and/or anger and aggression appeared before them.

"Wait a minute!" said Harry pointedly, "If you could just do that all along, then why did we leave Hogwarts in the first place?"

"Good question Harry!" said Snape

"Well are you going to answer it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated, like that song by Avril Lavigne."

"You Listen to Avril Lavigne? Wow, you really are-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP RON BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS SO BAD YOU SHIT BLOOD!" said Hermione

"You know what Hermione? I don't appreciate that tone of voice directed at me and- OH MY GOD GINNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"It was nothing Ron, calm down!" said Ginny.

"Harry, how could you snog my sister?"

"She's really hot dude!" said Harry taking a swig of vodka.

The five of them stood in silence…, well not really because the party was quite loud but you get the point! For a second there was a true silence as the song ended and a new one began followed by…

"OH MY GAAAWWWD! ITS MY SONG!" screamed Ginny, Hermione and Snape at once.

Harry and Ron looked at each other questioningly.

The song was _Barbie Girl_ had just come on. The three of them ran onto the dance floor and started dancing in a circle. They did a great deal of ass shaking and hair flipping and then Snape began to drop it like it's hot and pop lock it, turn around and drop it, shake it shake it round and round, do the tootsie roll and finally ended in the tick tick. By this point people had formed a circle around him and were cheering.

"Wow! Snape's really good at dancing isn't he?!" said Harry.

"What, are you kidding? He dances like a homo!" replied Ron.

"Well, he is confused which kind of implies that he is, you know, gay."

"Well why the hell does everyone like _him_ so much! And why does everybody suddenly hate me?!"

"Well, these people like him cause they only just met him and he's a good dancer, and we like him now because we've been able to break down the wall of hate he has put up between himself and everyone else and he turns out to be a very cool, but very troubled person who I think may be on the brink of a suicide attempt and just needs to understand that those around him, while it may not seem so, love him and appreciate all he is doing and risking to help in the fight against Lord Voldemort. People _don't_ like you because you're an ass hole who has stupid opinions and refuses to keep them to himself. You're also a ginger kid. Do you understand now Ron?

"Oh I understand. I understand that he is trying to take my spot as your best friend!"

"How exactly did you get _that_ out of what I just said?"

"It's so obvious now!"

"No it isn't! You're my best friend Ron, nothing will change that!"

"He steals my friends over my dead body!" said Ron without listening to Harry, and stormed through the circle surrounding Snape.

"SNAPE!"

"Oh, hey Ron, you wanna dance with us?!" said Snape excitedly.

"Don't you play stupid with me! I know exactly what you're up to!" replied Ron pushing Snape into a crowd of people.

"What the fuck Ron?" said Snape looking surprised. "I thought we were friends! Granted you were my least favorite but still!"

"Friends? Haha! A likely story!"

"Ron what the fuck are you talking about?" said Hermione looking quite annoyed.

"I'm talking about him and his friend stealing ways!" answered Ron pointing accusingly at Snape.

"I'm not stealing you friends Ron!" said Snape.

"Yes you are! Ever since you started talking to them they've started hating me! Its all your fault!"

"Dis you every stop to think that maybe they are getting annoyed with you lately because _you've been_ really annoying lately?!"

"SHUT UP YOU… YOU BIG MEANIE!"

"BIG MEANIE?!?" shouted Snape, people accumulating around the fighting friends-sort of, "I have greasy looking hair, a hooked nose, I'm ugly, I have no friends, a potentially small penis, no body at school likes me, I'm extremely depressed, and I am confused about my sexual orientation, and the best you could come up with is BIG MEANIE?! ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT? YOU MUST BE BECAUSE YOUR ACCUSATIONS ARE AS STUPID AS YOU INSULTS!!!"

Ron looked furiously at Snape and then punched him in the face.

"OWWW! FUCK, MY NOSE!! IT'S FUCKING BLEEDING RON, YOU ASS HOLE, ITS FUCKING BLEEDING!"

"FUNNY THING WAS I WAS AIMING FOR YOUR CHIN!" shouted Ron smugly.

"FUCK YOU RON!"

"YOU'D LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU!"

"I don't know what your problem is, but I am tired of you being a jerk to me Ronald Weasley!

"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME RONALD!!!" and with that he lunged out at Snape and they began to fight.

Snape punched Ron in the face.

"Ron, I don't want to fight with you. Lets just try to talk it out."

"SHUT UP AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN! Said Ron and he kicked Snape netween the legs.

"THAT'S NOT FIGHTING LIKE A MAN YOU SON OF A BITCH!" said Snape falling forward onto the ground.

"DON'T YOU CALL MY MOTHER A BICH!" shouted Ron as he kicked Snape in the stomach.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT!" said Snape and with that he stood up and lunged at Ron.

They fell on the ground and began throwing punch and kicking each other like crazy. Finally Snape pinned Ron to the ground and began punching his face repeatedly. Ron managed to stretch an arm out just far enough to reach the bottle of vodka Harry had been drinking and set down on the floor at his feet. Rob brought it up and smashed it over Snape's head. For a brief second Snape looked down at Ron with a very surprised expression as the vodka from the bottle soaked his hair and dripped down the sides of his bloody face, then his eyes went shut and he fell forward on top of ron.

"Wow Ron, I never would have guessed that you liked the bottom!" said Ginny angrily.

Ron looked up at her and quickly pushed Snape over toi the side. Just as he was getting up someone ran screaming into the room.

"RUN! RUN! IT'S THE POLICE, THEY'VE COME TO SHUT US DOWN! RUN!"

Everyone went scurrying in different directions as the sirens grew louder.

"Shit! Snapes out cold how are we going to get back?" said Ginny.

"I know hw to drive! Lets grab Snape and get back to the hearse now!" said Hermione.

"They're too close, there's no time! Grab his keys and forget him!" said Ron.

"No Ron! We cant just leave him! Its your fault he cant drive!"

"There's no time lets go!"

"I hate to say it but Ron is right! Even though I highly doubt he weighs more than 100 lbs we'll never make it to the hearse in time! Especially after our long time making this decision!" said Harry.

"Alright fine!" said Hermione as she knelt down beside Snape and reached into the inner chest pocket of his robe and retrieved the keys to the hearse. "Don't worry Sev, we'll get you out of prison!"

She stood up and the four of them ran as fast as they could to the hearse, piled in, and sped away just before the police reached Mike's house.

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"Hey Phil! I found one!" said one of the cops as he made his way though the abandoned house.

"Did you Dave- whoa! This ones real bloodied up isn't she?" said the other police officer stepping in front of Snape.

"No man, I think this ones a guy."

"Are you sure? It's wearing all that lovely makeup. It's a little messed up, mind you, from the blood."

"No," said Dave lifting Snape from the ground and placing one hand between his legs, "It's a man."

"I can't believe you just felt up an unconscious man wearing makeup covered in blood!"

"Well we have to know if they're male of female."

"You could've checked for an Adams apple!"

"Right, suppose I could couldn't I? Oh well, what's done is done, cant change that. C'mon then, lets take him in." said Dave lifting Snape's arm over his shoulder and putting his arm around his waist. "Not very heavy, this one."

"No? You reckon you can carry him to the car by yourself?"

"I think so," and with that Dave lifted Snape into his arms and carried him to the police car, laid him in the back seat, sat up front and he and Phil took off to the station.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** This chapter is a filler so its pretty dry, next chapter is gonna be good though, mark my words, it will be good! J

**Disclaimer**: I own everything, JK Rowling owns nothing, she stole all her ideas from me, she is the worst author every I fucking hate her! Every day isnt opposite day in my world!

**Taming the Loner**

**Chapter 8**

Snape's hearse flew down the high way going 70mph in a 50mph zone. Inside the car was silent aside from the roaring of the engine and the occasional moan of agony from Ginny who appeared to be feeling sick. Hermione's reckless driving couldn't have helped either. In the time that had elapsed since their great escape from Mikes police crashed party, she had run three red lights, a stop sign and refused to slow down as she rounded corners. She also nearly hit a cat which would have made Snape have a heart attack, but alas, he was not there to have one.

Harry looked around the hearse. Hermione was hunched over the steering wheel and gripping it incredibly hard, like an old lady on steroids. Beside her, Ron was gripping the seat in fear of his life and in the back with Harry, Ginny was hunched over clutching her head and her stomach. Harry looked out the back window. He could just see a small amount of sunlight peeking over the horizon, but for the most pat the sky was black. He glanced at the clock in the dashboard which read 5:07.

"Holy crap! Its already morning!" said Harry, breaking the silence.

"Uh oh, do you think we'll make it back to the school in time for no one to notice we were gone?" asked Ron.

"Only if we keep on straight to the school with no stops what so ever," said Hermione.

"We've got to pull over now!" said Ginny.

"What? Did you not just hear what Hermione said?"

"Shut up Ron I'm going to be sick!"

Hermione pulled over and Harry and Ginny scrambled out of the bed of the hearse. Ginny bent over on the side of the road and began to vomit. Harry held her hair for a few minutes until she finished up and Ron and Hermione made their way out of the car.

"Do we still have a chance at getting back in time?" asked Ron

"Sure we do, I was only saying no stops to be certain we made it. You ok Ginny?" said Hermione.

"Yeah I feel great now! I think it was your driving Hermione, you really need some practice!" said Ginny.

"Where are we anyway?" said Harry.

"I don't know," said Hermione, "somewhere between London and wherever the hell Hogwarts is located."

"HEY POTTER!" the four of them heard a familiar voice shout down the street.

Two dark figures approached them from down the high way. As they neared the figures became more clear and turned out to be those of Lavender Brown and their arch nemisis, Draco Malfoy.

"Malfoy! What are _you _doing here?" said Harry rudely raising hid wand so that it was pointed at Malfoy's face.

"Whoa, chill out Potter!" said Malfoy, "I may hate you lot at school but out here I'm indifferent."

Harry lowered his wand.

"Why?" he asked with a look of confusion.

"Night Fliers never hate on fellow Night Fliers," said Lavender.

"What the hell is a Night Flier?" asked Ron.

"You know, students who leave Hogwarts on weekend nights by flying over the big ass gate." answered Malfoy.

"People do that?" asked Hermione.

"Well yeah, didn't you?" said Lavender.

"No." said Harry Ron Hermione and Ginny in unison.

"Oh, well then how did you- whoa! Who here is rocking the hearse? That's a bit creepy but in a cool kind of way you know what I mean?" said Malfoy.

"Yeah," said Ginny, "That's what I thought."

"It belongs to Snape," said Harry.

"SNAPE! Why didn't you tell us you'd been caught by him? C'mon Lavender quick, lets get out or here before we get caught!" said Malfoy.

"What? No! We haven't been caught!" said Harry at once.

"Then why is it here?" asked Lavender.

"Oh I see! Wow, you guys are gutsy I mean, stealing a professors car? Really edgy you guys well done! I know I never could have done it myself, especially not _Snape's _car! Absolutely brilliant!" said Malfoy

"We didn't _steal _Snapes car!" said Hermione.

"Oh aright, _borrowed _it then!"

"No! Ok sort of, but only to get back to the school, Snape was driving when we left!"

There was an awkward silence and then Malfoy began rummaging in his robes for something. Finally he pulled out a strange little pipe and a plastic bag of what appeared to be some kind of herb.

"This sounds like a story worth hearing," he said smiling as lavender took a small lighter out of her pocket. "How about we all have a bit of this, and you lot can tell us all bout how you came to be in the middle of nowhere with Snapes hearse and no Snape."

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny looked at one another. They weren't stupid, they knew what was in that plastic bag and knew it would most definitely delay their return to Hogwarts, but then again, who could resist telling a good story?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Meanwhile at London Penitentiary: _

Officer Phil Marley was filling out arrest forms in the main office just off to the side of the DUI cell. Officer Dave Greenfield was right beside him using the computer to check out his myspace. Dave looked up and watched Phil for a second.

"Good lord Dave you on Myspace again?" said Phil looking rather annoyed.

"Dude you don't understand its like an addiction! Besides, its ok for me! I have 10k+ friends!" answered Dave Defensively.

"I have a Myspace too but I'm not obsessed with it!"

_clink_

"Your not a whore, you don't understand! Speaking of which, why didn't you accept my invitation to join my whore train, Powerfuffpokemonhellokittyrangers last night?"

_clink_

"I wasn't on last night."

_clink_

"Yes you were I saw the Online Now icon under you name."

_Clink_

"That's the gayest name for a train I have ever heard!"

"Oh yeah? Well you display name aint far from-"

_CLINK_!

"WHAT IS THT ANOYING CLINKING NOISE!?!" shouted Dave.

"I don't know, it sounds like its coming from the DUI cell." answered Phil.

"Well, I guess Ill go see what it is seeing as you so willing!"

"Hey I'm doing work here!"

_clink_

"Yeah whatever you non train joiner."

As Officer Dave entered the room in which the DUI cell was located he saw what was making that annoying clinking noise. In the cell stood Severus Snape who was tapping a cup along the bars of the cell.

"Why are you doing that?" asked Dave.

"Isn't this what people do when their locked up?" asked Snape.

"Maybe in the nineteenth century, but now that you've finally woken up we have a few questions to ask you about the party you were attending last night."

"I'LL NEVER TELL! NEVER!!!!"

"What? Why?"

"Because to tell you the truth, I don't remember anything."

"Then why didn't you just say that?"

"I wanted to seem like a martyr."

"Well, you didn't pull it off."

"No shit Sherlock! When am I getting out of here anyway?"

"8:00 this morning."

"What time is it now?"

"Umm, 5:30," said Dave checking, his watch.

"SHIT!" said Snape knowing full well his absence would be noticed by then.

"Yeah, oh one more thing."

"What?"

"Where did you get that cup?"

"None of your damn business!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Back at the hearse in the middle of nowhere:_

"Holy shit! I cant believe you broke a bottle of whiskey over Snapes head!" said Lavender loudly.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had told Lavender and Malfoy all about how they came to be in their particular position. They had also smoke a whole lot of Malfoy's special herb and now had the giggles and the munchies.

"Haha! I know he was totally weak!" said Ron.

"He was kicking your ass Ron you were just lucky to get you hands on that bottle!" said Harry.

Everyone started laughing except Ron whose ears turned red as he slumped in the corner.

"Well at least he'll be out of jail at 8:00." said Malfoy.

"What do you mean?" asked Ginny.

"Well if you arrested for a DUI of public drinking, you get put in a cell until 8:00 the following morning at which point someone has to come and pick you up."

"Oh wow, I guess we don't have to try and get him out of jail after all, he'll be released in like three hours." said Hermione.

"You mean two hours," said Lavender, "Its 6:00 right now."

"OH SHIT!" said everyone except for Lavender.

"We gotta go guys!" said Hermione as she climbed over the from seat behind the steering wheel.

"Hey you guys think you could give us a lift?" asked Malfoy.

"Sure," said Harry, "I mean you did give us some of you weed so its all good."

And with that they continued once again at 70mph back to Hogwarts, little did that know they were already being missed.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N**: That's right bitches, its finaly here! You guys, I am so, so sorry for taking such a long ass time to update, I've had to spend all my time practicing this monologue for a drama festival I almost but didn't win. In any case it's over now and my updates should be coming along more regularly. Also it would be really fantastic if you would **Review**this instead of waiting for me to show up on you doorstep with a machete and forcing you to, and no promises I wouldn't take your head off any way, I've started collecting (watch out Ginger Kids!). Anyhoo, on with the show, or story or whatever the fuck, typical cussing warnings apply.

**Taming the Loner**

**Chapter 9**

Albus Dumbledore awoke bright and early at 6:00am as usual every morning, even on Saturday. He changed into his gym clothes and put in his Richard Simmons aerobics dvd. He liked to make sure he tight buns and abs, you never know when it might come in handy wink, wink. During the week days after his work out ended and 7:00, Dumbledore would go straight down to breakfast determined to eat at the same time as the students so that they may think, "hey, if old Dumbledore can make it down here on time, so can I," however he had realized quite some time ago that his presence didn't have the effect he so desired.

Today was different. Today was Saturday and hardly anyone, even teachers, was at breakfast at 7:00. Most teachers were awake however. McGonagall, Sprout, and Flitwick probably hadn't even gone to sleep after going out on the town at 1:00 this morning. They thought Dumbledore had no idea but he did, though it wasn't his business what they did so long as Severus wasn't involved, after all they were full grown adults. Severus was always awake as well, usually decorating or trying to make his hair look less greasy or masturbating to Playgirl.

"Wow," Said Dumbledore quietly to himself, "He really is gay! How did I not pick up on this?"

No, on Saturday he went down to the dungeons to visit dear Severus. The man was like a son to him and to the man, he was like a father, though he'd never admit it. They would converse for nearly an hour and then make their way to breakfast together. This happened every Saturday every week, every month of every school year. It was a regular thing and had been for many years now, ever since the incident.

Dumbledore dressed in a set of purple robes, Severus always liked purple and made his way to the dungeons. As he was walking he saw a group of four house elves making their way to what looked like the Slytherin quarters each holding a piece of parchment and a quill, but thought nothing of it. When he reached Severus' Door he knocked three time and waited for Severus' usual "Enter" but alas it did not come. He knocked again and waited, but still, no answer came. Worried, Dumbledore decides to invade his privacy and just go in and discover something that to most would not be as discomforting as it was to Dumbledore. Severus was not in his quarters.

"Son of a bitch!" shouted Dumbledore leaving Snapes rooms, "That little shit better be around here somewhere!"

Dumbledore quickly ascended the dungeon stairs and quickly strode across the Entrance Hall towards the kitchens to grab Dobby to help him search. Blinded by his growing rage, (he had a feeling Snape wasn't at the school but he had make sure) Dumbledore ran smack into Flitwick, tripping over him and falling to the floor.

"OUCH!!! What the hell Albus you just kneed me in the face!" screamed Flitwick, holding his face in his hands.

"For serious Albus what's the deal you're practically running through the hall!" said McGonagall.

"I'm sorry Fillius," said Dumbledore standing up, "Its just that Severus isn't in his room for our chat like he has been for the past 10 years, and I have and awful feeling that after what happened last night he may have left the school. None of you have possibly seen his have you?"

"None of us have seen him since he bitch walked out of the Great Hall during dinner last night," said Sprout

"Damn! Well I'm off for the search! I'm going to get a house elf to help me, if any of you get any more info, contact me."

And with that Dumbledore took off for the kitchens. Just as he left the four house elves with paper approached the three professors.

"We are having you house student counts for you proffessors!" said one of them as the others handed each professor a piece of paper. "We were not able to be finding Professor Snape anywheres, what do we do with his roster?"

"Give it to me," said McGonagall, "I'll make sure he gets it."

As the house elves left, each of them took a look at their Saturday morning student counts. Every Saturday morning each head of house was supposed to count the number of students in their dormitories so that they may report those referred to as "Night Fliers" but none of the heads of house felt like it so they never did. Then Snape came up with the brilliant idea of bribing house elves to do it for them. When they asked them to do its and gave them the cash the house elves freaked out and started throwing the money at them, apparently they had issues with accepting money, and did it for free, though the professors thought the money throwing was a bit unnecessary.

"None missing here! Oh wait, never mind I'm missing one." said Flitwick.

"I've got two over here" said Sprout.

"I'm missing _Five_!!!" said McGonagall"

"Well you definitely win Minerva! Unless Snape is missing more," said Flitwick.

"No," said McGonagall looking at Snapes count, "He's only missing four, I win, of loose depending on how you look at it. Its strange though, I only ever thought that slut Lavender Brown left the school, not potter and his friends and Ginny Weasley. Shame too, I was going to ask them about Severus gone missing. They were the last to see him in their detention…….OH MY GOD!"

"What is it Minerva?" asked Sprout.

"They are with him, or rather he is with _them_! How could we have not seen this coming?"

"Oh my god of course! I'll bet you there was no survey too! They just wanted to get drunk, so they chose the one of us that seemed most likely to buckle under the pressures of the bottle!" said Flitwick.

"I can't believe they tricked us!" said Sprout, "Now poor Severus is going to get his ass kicked by an old guy!"

"We have to try and help him! When Dumbledore figures out Severus isn't in the school, you two need to stall him as long as you cane, and meanwhile I'm going to try and track down severus and my students and get them back before they are missed! Then we will lie our asses off to Dumbledore about Severus being here the whole time!" said McGonagall.

And the three professors took off the save their friend.

_Back at the Hearse…_

Hermione drove the hearse into the teachers parking garage and came to a screeching halt between Flitwick's Hummer and Dumbledore's Corvette. All six students burst out of the car and began running at break neck speed towards the exit. As they ran across the street to the castle grounds, they saw a figure making its way directly at them.

"What is that?" asked Malfoy as they all came to a stop in the middle of the dimly lit street.

"It looks like someone with a really pointy head!" said Ginny laughing hysterically.

"Yeah," said Lavender, "a cone head! Everyone run, there's a stupid person on the loose!"

"Snape, is that you?" said Ron.

"Ron, Snape is in prison, what the fuck?" said Harry.

"Well Lavender said it was a stupid person, I only made the connection!" answered Ron laughing like a stupid idiot.

"Well you're the one laughing like a stupid idiot at your own joke, so its probably you!"

"Who says I'm laughing like a stupid idiot?"

"The Narrator!"

"…….…"

Everyone stared at Harry in silence.

"Awkward moment!" sang Ginny.

"Oh shit you guys its professor McGonagall!" said Hermione.

"Quick, everybody, run!!!" shouted Lavender

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" screeched McGonagall.

"Shit! Shit! Shit! We are in such deep shit!" said Hermione hysterically.

"No you aren't," said McGonagall, "we can let all fo this slide without any cansequenses, but we have to act fast! Where's Severus?"

"I…. don't know what your talking about…..Severus was never with us….."

"That's why you're on first name basis right?"

"I…no, I mean…"

"Look, Dumbledore isn't stupid. Severus hasn't missed their Saturday morning chat for like ten years, and if he's gone for much longer, Dumbledore is going to know exactly what's gone down"

"Well he isn't here," said Ron smugly, "He thought he'd have a go at me and was in for a rude awakening when I kicked his ass into tomorrow!"

"Yeah right!" said McGonagall, "Severus is a fucking death eater spy and hes like 6'5 and way buffer than he looks! The only way you could have beaten him is by doing some stupid bull shit like breaking a bottle over his head!"

"……….."

"Awkward silence!" sand Ginny again.

"No way Ron! Really? You're that big a dip shit? Really?" said McGonagall. "Well if he got knocked out where is he then?"

"At London penitentiary," began Harry, "We were at this party, and the times were good, but Ron sucks ass and then the cops made a scene."

"In other words, the party crashed, the cops came, and we had to leave him behind," said Hermione.

"Damn! Look you guys I need your help, Hermione, Harry, I need you to come with me to get Severus, the rest of you I need to go McGonagall I and help Professors Sprout and Flitwick in distracting Dumbledore. Keep him out of the Great Hall at all costs! Got it?"

"Got it!" they said in unison.

Draco put his hands on Harry and Hermione's shoulders and said. "May god be with you."

"……….."

"Awkward si-…"

"Shut up Ginny!" shouted Hermione, and they were off.

_Meanwhile at London Penitentiary…._

"Swing low, sweet chariot…"

_Clink_

"Oh. My. God!" said Dave in a most aggravated manor, "Will you please stop singing and hitting that cup against the bars!"

"Will you let me go now?" said Snape hopefully.

"NO! How many times do I have to tell you? We cant let you co until 8:00!"

"Well then I'm afraid I can't stop singing and breaking out the beats with my prison cup!"

"I've had enough of this! I'm going to go hang out with Phil!"

"Fine! Whatever! I don't need you! I don't need anybody!"

Snape looked around the room. He had to get out of here before Dumbledore noticed his absence; otherwise he would be in such deep shit. But there was no way out. The keys were with Dave, the bars just barely to close together so that he couldn't fit through them, and his wand was in the hearse.

The hearse. He'd had it since he was twenty and hoped it hadn't been totaled by those damn kids! He still couldn't believe they left him behind. How could they? Of course this really wasn't all of they're fault. If they had stayed all five of them would be in this cell, and he didn't want them to get into that kind of trouble, especially Hermione who so prized her school record. No, this was the fault of only one.

"Damn it Ron!" said Snape to himself. He really had tried to be friends with that guy, but Ron really was an idiot an idiot amongst idiots.

"Severus!" said someone in a shouted whisper that he recognized.

"Minerva! What are you doing here?" said Snape in a very surprised tone.

"Shhhhh! I'm here to bust you out!" she whispered and she unlocked the cell door with what looked like Dave's keys.

"How did you get those? How did you get here?"

"Never mind that now, we have to hurry quick come with me!"

The two of them ran as fast as they could out of the room, past the reception desk where a young woman sat looking slightly confused, and straight out the prison doors into the parking lot where none other than the hearse stood parked illegally in a handicap spot.

The back of the hearse stood wide open and with a single leap, McGonagall jumped into the back dragging Snape in with her in the process. The minute she slammed the doors shut Hermione hit the gas and they were off.

"How did you get past the guards and the receptionist?" said Snape, flabbergasted at the recent events.

"I bailed you out," said McGonagall

"Well then why did we have to be so quiet and run?!"

"For _effect_!"

"Oh, right."

"Hey Sev….." said Hermione awkwardly

"Yeah how's it going Severus?" added Harry.

"Oh great! Just great! Best day ever, hands down!" answered Snape.

"Look Sev, we're really sorry for leaving you behind, but we didn't have a choice, you know?" said Hermione pleadingly.

"Don't worry about it; it's not your fault. It's Ron's!"

"Yeah, I don't know why Ron has been such a magnificent ass wipe lately!"

"True Dat!" said McGonagall.

"What?" said Harry.

"True Dat, you know?"

"What? Are you a gangsta now or something?" said Snape.

"Hey, you know what?" said McGonagall, "At least I'm not wearing makeup, purple hair, and a poodle vest!"

"Don't be a jealous betch, because in this vest I look fab and you look drab, ok hun?"

"Wow Severus, if I didn't know any better I would say you were gay. Oh wait! I do know better, and you _are_ gay!"

"OH WOW! I think… yes indeed I do believe you have failed to burn me yet again Minerva! Oh, for shame!"

"Do you think they will stop any time soon?" asked Harry.

"No," answered Hermione, "Somehow I get the feeling this is really just a continuation of a previous burn off."

"Burn off?"

"You really are too damn boring Harry."

_Back at Hogwarts…_

Dumbledore was in the room of requirement. He had searched the school for Snape, all to no avail. Dumbledore knew what it meant. It meant Severus had gone back to his partying ways, and Dumbledore was not about o deal with this shit! Not again! Dumbledore was PISSED OFF, and when he found that boy, he was going to SHOVE HIS FOOT UP HIS ASS! That's why he was in the room of requirement. Dumbledore figured if he willed it, somehow the room would reveal where Severus was. The problem was he didn't really want to know. Deep down he just wanted to pretend it was all good and go eat breakfast and imagine Severus was just sleeping in.

"Maybe it isn't my place to tell Severus what he can and cannot do." Said Dumbledore defeated.

"_What the hell are you talking about old man? Of course its your place to tell him what to do, he's like your son, only he's gay and has a large nose"_ rang Dumbledore's conscience

"Yes, but Severus is a grown ass man who can make his own decisions!" retorted Dumbledore.

"_Bull shit! His decisions are bad and he is ruining his life. I mean come on! How long did its take him to come out of the closet?"_

"He hasn't."

"_Exactly! That's why you have to make sure he knows whose boss, control his every move, and never be proud of him or satisfied with every decision he makes, just like your father did with you!"_

"But I hate my father!"

"_Yes, but look how wonderful you turned out! Now don't you want Severus to be just like you? Don't you want him to become the greatest wizard ever, and take over your position as headmaster and number one wizard when you're dead?"_

"Well of course I want him to thrive to his full potential and even surpass me one day, but he will never be just like me! I mean he's gay!"

"_News flash buddy, so are you!"_

"Yes in JKR's mind I am but I don't think this author is going in that direction. But I do agree with you! I have to find Severus and show him my disappointment trough pain and suffering on his part!"

At this very moment both Flitwick and Sprout came barging into the room disrupting Dumbledore from his conversation with himself.

"Sup Dumbledog!" said Sprout.

"Oh hello there, what are you two up to?" said Dumbledore

"Well you know we wanted to see how you were with finding Queen Severus. Who were you talking to?" said Flitwick.

"What? Oh no one. Well That's why I am in here, you see. To discover his location by requiring it!"

"Oh I see, smart, very smart! Why, you're a regular Einstein aren't you Dumbledore?"

"A what?"

"Never mind, say! Have ever considered going to Everest College?" said Sprout.

"Oh yeah he seems like the type of brilliant mind who would do well at Bryman College!" said Flitwick.

"Ok you know what? I am not an Idiot, ok? I know what Bryman, new name, Everest College is ok, I watch Montel so don't start!"

"Damn it I thought we had a chance!" said Flitwick angrily.

"Yeah, don't think I don't know what's going on here! You guys are trying to distract me from finding out where Severus is!"

"That is so not true! We came up here to tell you we found him and that's he is down at the great hall right now!" said Sprout.

"Oh really!"

"Yeah, really!" said Flitwick.

"Well then you wont mind if I go on down to the Great Hall and see for myself will you?" said Dumbledore slyly.

"What? Why? What's the rush? Why don't we just stay here and relax?" said Flitwick.

"You'd like that wouldn't you? No, I think I shall go down and have a little chat with Severeus now if you don't mind."

Sprout and Flitwick threw each other nervous looks and followed Dumbledore out of the room at a brisk speed.

They were nearly to the great hall when Draco Malfoy popped out at them from behind a suit of armor screaming hysterically.

"OH MY GOD THANK GOD I RAN INTO YOU!" screamed Malfoy.

"Whoa, calm down! What's the problem?" said Sprout.

"Its Lavender Brown! She's having a seizure!! Quick, follow me!" and with that he took off down the hall in the opposite direction of the Great Hall.

As they approached Lavender it became obvious she wasn't really having a seizure, but just pretending.

"Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?" said Dumbledore angrily.

"What? No! Look she's…having a seizure," said Malfoy.

"Yeah look at the poor girl," said Flitwick, glad for a distraction from the Great Hall, "It must be from the vicious herpes she has."

"Oh no we rechecked her. She wasn't the one with herpes, it was the Patil twins."

"Oh. Well she's still having a seizure."

"No she isn't. I've seen a seizure before, and this sure as hell isn't one! In fact I think this is just another scheme devised to keep me from knowing where Severus is!"

"NO!" said Lavender, suddenly out of seizure, "He's in the Great Hall!"

"See, we told you!" said Sprout.

"Yes well, lets go see Severus then shall we?" And Dumbledore took off towards the Great Hall once again, The rest following close behind him in apprehension.

As the walked they came across Ron who stood aside holding up his arms saying half heatedly, " No…please….stay away from the Great Hall at all costs…"

Dumbledore paid no attention to Ron and merely pushed him aside. Ron joined the others in his pursuit.

"Well thank god you were here to stop him!" said Malfoy to Ron angrily.

"I know. I truly am a martyr."

"So you guys are trying to keep Severus out of trouble too?" asked Flitwick.

"Yep! On McGonagall's orders. Us and Ginny. I wonder where she is…" said Lavender.

Just then Ginny dropped from the ceiling directly in front of Dumbledore, screaming in agony.

"OH IT WAS HORRIBLE, SIMPLY HORRIBLE! I'VE BEEN STUCK TO THE CEILING FOR AGES! The culprits went that way!!" said Ginny pointing to another hall in opposite direction of Dumbledore's destination.

"Oh no, im not falling for it!" said Dumbledore aggravated, "I know what you're all trying to pull and it ain't working! What I don't understand is why you three Gryffindors are trying to save him! He's head of Slytherin House! You don't even like him, in fact, you hate him! Am I right here?"

"……….."

"Awkward moment!" sang Ginny

"Now I see whats going on here! At least you three, maybe all of you, were with him last night or at least know where he is!"

"Well of course we know where he is!" said Ginny, "He's in the Great Hall Having breakfast, no need to disturb him, so lets go capture my tormentors!"

"NO! I am going to the Great Hall, and when I get there and he isn't there, you all better tell me where he is or so help me god I shall bring a wrath upon you so horrific you will shit blood!"

"…………"

"Sounds like a plan!" said Ron happily, and Dumbledore resumed his hall storming.

_Back at the hearse…_

Hermione came to a screeching halt. They had arrived at the school, however they were not at the teachers parking garage. When Snape and McGonagall finally stopped bitching each other out they had devised a plan to enter the school through the kitchens. Then Snape and McGonagall would make their way up the side stairwell which lead to a door directly to the side of the staff table. Harry and Hermione would make their way through the kitchen to the front of the great hall where they would enter as normally as possible and create a last minute diversion when the doors to the great hall opened. They only hoped they weren't too late.

"Are you guys ready?" said McGonagall.

"Wait! How do we know Dumbledore doesn't already know?" questioned Snape.

"I haven't received a potronus from Filius yet saying he does but we cant possibly have much time! So I will ask you all again, are you guys ready?"

"Hell yeah!" said the other three in unison.

"Ok you guys. Lets do this!"

The four of them jumped out of the hearse and ran into the castle via kitchen exit. As they ran some of the elves had bitch fits and tried to force them to eat their food, but they just kept on running. Finally they reached the stairwell. McGonagall and Snape parted from Harry and Hermione, all of them running at break neck speed.

Harry and Hermione dodged between house elves and frying pans. Finally, they reached the kitchen door and wretched it open. They darted up the stairs into the entrance hall. As they took off across the hall to the doors of the Great Hall, Harry glanced up to the Grand Staircase and saw Dumbledore rounding the corner on the upper landing with the others in pursuit.

"Hurry Hermione he's right behind us!" shouted Harry and they ran, if possible, even faster.

They reached the door pushed through them and took their seats at the end of the Gryffindor table. They glanced up at the staff table. No Snape or McGonagall.

_Meanwhile…_

Dumbledore stormed down the hall towards the Grand Staircase right by the Great Hall. Just as they all rounded the corner onto the upper landing, Ginny noticed Harry and Hermione push their way through the doors into the great hall.

"Hey!" she whispered exitedly to the others behind Dumbledore, "They're here!"

"Filius, send the patronus!" said Sprout.

Flitwick conjured a patronus, gave it a message and sent it just as Dumbledore turned his back to step off the final stair into the entrance hall.

_Meanwhile…_

Snape and McGonagall bounded up the stairs two at a time. For once Snape was incredibly glad he wasn't wearing long billowing robes. They continued to run faster than either of them had for ages, McGonagall lost her hat.

Suddenly something silvery transpired beside McGonagall.

"Oh shit! Its Fillius' patronus!" said McGonagall, still running.

"Dumbledore is almost here bitches! RUN FOREST RUN!!!" said the Patronus. Just as it disappeared, Snape reached out and rung the door to Great Hall open.

_In the Great Hall…_

The doors to the Great Hall creaked open but before Dumbledore even had the chance to look up to the staff table, Harry and Hermione both threw smoke bombs directly in front of the door. They exploded immediately and filled the front of the Hall with smoke.

Just as the two smoke bombs exploded, Snape and McGonagall ran past the other professors at the staff table and too their seats on either side of the headmasters chair right before the smoke cleared.

Dumbledore looked up to the staff table, flabbergasted to see Severus Snape sitting casually at his seat.

Severus Snape held his breath, trying not to look at all exhausted.

Dumbledore felt so stupid! He should never have listened to his conscience! He should never have doubted Severus! He should never have- wait a minute! What was that on his face?

The Great Hall was silent. Every single person was either staring at Snape and McGonagall, Dumbledore and his posse, or Harry and Hermione.

"See, what did we tell you?" said Flitwick, "Hes been here the whole time!"

"Do you think I am an idiot? I know he hasn't been here! The smoke bombs to conceal his entrance, the diversions in the hall ways as I made my way down here, the patronus you thought I didn't see you send Filius. All of these could have, and for a moment there did, fool me, but there is one thing none of you thought to correct. Can you guess what it is?"

Everyone looked at one another in confusion

"LOOK AT HIM!" said Dumbledore pointing at Snape, "HIS HAIR IS PURPLE, HE'S WEARING MAKEUP AND THERE IS BLOOD ON HIS FACE! Now that kind of change don't just happen over any normal night!"

Snape began trying to sneak out of the Great Hall but Dumbledore noticed.

"OH I _KNOW_ YOU AINT TYING TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE SEVERUS! GET YO ASS OVER HERE!"

Snape stopped in his tracks and turned around. He didn't walk over to Dumbledore but stood still and stared.

"DID I STUTTER? I SAID GET YO ASS DOWN HERE BOY!"

"No." said Snape defiantly.

"What did you just say?"

"I said NO!"

"Oh shit, here we go!" said McGonagall.

"I AM A GROWN ASS MAN! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT A CAN OR CANNOT DO! IF I WANT TO GO OUT AND PARTY ALL NIGHT I WILL!

"NO YOU WONT! YOU NEVER MAKE GOOD DESCIONS WHEN YOUR DRUNK AND YOU LAND YOUR ASS IN PRISSON! WE WENT THROUGH THIS FOR FIVE YEARS, IT AINT ABOUT TO GO DOWN AGAIN!"

"I'M NOT YOUR LITTLE SLAVE! YOU CANT KEEP ME LOCKED UPIN THIS SCHOOL FOREVER! I NEED TO FLY AND BE FREE!"

"YOU CAN BE FREE! JUST BE FREE INSIDE THE CASTLE!"

"YOU DON'T GET IT! I CAN NEVER DEAL WITH YOU! WHY CANT YOU JUST UNDERSTAND ME?!"

"I DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOU TO KNOW WHATS BEST FOR YOU!"

"Does this sound like a parent teen fight to you?" said Hermione to Harry.

Everyone continued to stare.

"FORGET YOU! FORGET ALL YALL! WHAT YOU STARIN AT? I AINT A MIRRIOR! I AM SOO OUT OF HERE!"

And with that Snape stormed out of the Great Hall leaving everyone in a shocked silence.

"Quit your staring! Everyone go back to eating, the show is over!" said Dumbledore and he left the Great Hall without another word.

As soon as he was gone the Hall erupted in an uproar of voices discussing everything that had just happened. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender, Malfoy, and The three heads of house left the Great Hall as well and gathered in the entrance hall.

"Well that was some pretty ghetto ass shit that just went down," said McGonagall

"Yeah really! What do you think is going to happen now?" said Hermione.

"Who knows? Only the author does," said Harry

"When do you think we will know?" asked Ginny

"Whenever she decides to update next."

"I can't wait to find out what happens!" said Sprout.

"Well _I_ can," said Ron, "She doesn't seem to like me very much!"

"Yeah but who does Ron?" said Malfoy and everyone began to laugh, with the exception of the always annoying and stupid Ron.


End file.
